The Readers Exchange Redux (Part 2)

B) TRULY CHEAP

In terms of those who are "truly cheap", I have omitted any hints from persons who are clearly impecunious seniors as a) they are living in poverty and are 'frugal' from lack of choice and b) as they are seniors, they lived through the Depression and are bound to be compelled to scrimp and save;

No, I mean just weird and truly cheap.

i) Soap Lady

This woman suggested that, I assume, in light of the cost of soap, one save all the little residual bits of soap you have leftover when your soap bar ceases to qualify as a "bar" and instead becomes the annoying little mushy things that always gets stuck down the drain.

You then save them all up then stick them in a mold (?) (yes I just happen to have a soap mold, it is here right next to the butter churn) and put them in the microwave for a few minutes. Thereafter they will all melt together and become a new and colourful bar of soap!

ii) Don't Go to her Home!

This woman suggested that if you have hardwood floors you should do the following: take J-Cloths, cut them up in a pattern and sew them into slipppers. Thereafter apply wood polish and when your guests come over, ask them to change into the slippers and walk about your house. That way they polish the floors while visiting you.

While this one could easily fit into the category of "Just Plain Weird" or even "Don't go There for Dinner" thought it fit into "Truly Cheap" for the following reason: This woman is like some 19th century capitalist who is not satisfied with simply serving you bunt cake and coffee. No you must be made to work and she must extract some kind of value out of your visit. I hate to think of what she might want guests to wear for a visit to the bathroom.

C) DON'T GO THERE FOR DINNER!

These contributors will make it possible for anyone to lose weight! Just go to their home for a meal!

i) Eggcups! I Need Eggcups!

This gentleman had guests over and didn't have any egg cups right on hand to serve his guests soft boiled eggs. Rather than a) buying more egg cups or cleaning the ones he had or b) making different kinds of eggs, he came upon the following brilliant idea:

Take used toilet paper rolls, stand them up on your plate and put your soft boiled eggs in them and use them as cups! In case we thought he was only partial to toilet paper rolls he also advised that you could use empty paper towel rolls and cut them into smaller sections for use as an egg cup.

ii) Picnic Fun

Have you ever been burdened with having to bring both platewear AND sports equipment to a picnic? Well no more. This reader had so much to bring, that he figured out that he could reduce the amount of things to bring, if he simply fed people off of overturned frisbees. Once you finish you meal, just a quick wash, reverse and its off to toss a little "Wammo" around the park!

He didn't raise the issue of whether when you play frisbee with your dog, whether you feed him off his own personal frisbee or use another guest's former plate for that particular game.

iii) Warning DO NOT READ BEFORE EATING

This one came in the paper only two weeks ago, just when I was beginning to despair that the Reader's Exchange was getting too dull and only publishing actually good ideas.

Like the J-Cloth Slipper lady, this one could also be classified in the "Truly Cheap" category, but I really think it belongs in food. See if you agree with me.

Once you have finished with your disposable razors there is no need to throw them out. Just throw them in the dishwasher and then use them to peel all your vegetables!

Despite the attempt at some semblance of hygiene by mentioning the dishwasher, foregoing the obvious rust eating away at old blades, the crud that gets smooshed in between the blades and the half eaten "lubricant strip" this idea is just truly, truly horrible.

D) JUST PLAIN WEIRD

These are "odd" little hints that are, well, just plain weird.

i) I Hate Smelly Dogs

If you don't like having a dog that smells like a dog, simply pull out those perfume strip samples in magazines and staple them to your dog's collar! Finally Ginger won't smell like Ginger, but instead Obsession for Men. Just pull out the Harlequin Romance and have a good snuggle with the dog. You will never know that Ginger is not really "Bradley Carlton".

ii) Carving Knives and Foam

This guy was really bent out of shape by the fact that all this perfectly good styrofoam comes packing your stereo and you just throw it out!

Deciding to come up with a use for another, really Dodo item, he instructed readers in great engineering detail to take your "electric carving knife" and cut the styrofoam into five large squares (he gave specifications for width, sizes etc...) and stick them on your car entenna so you can find your car at the mall lot. So can local teenagers who are not known to suffer fools gladly.

iii) Here Comes the Bride!

This particular reader was obsessed with the idea that the rice you throw at weddings will be eaten by birds who might ultimately explode after the rice re-hydrates in their stomachs. Aside from the fact that one would think tall buildings with bright lights appear to be a greater threat to birds, she still considered this to be a significant issue.

Her resolution? Not confetti or just dispensing with throwing things, instead throw bird seed at the bride as she leaves the church.

Now anyone who knows me knows how I feel about marriage. However I now have this image of myself as a straight blushing bride, wrapped in a beautiful gown, tripping gaily down the church steps, holding my 'husband's' hand on this: the happiest day of my life, only find myself pelted by bird seed. As I stand shocked, millet and sunflower husks clinging to my veil I realize this is, in fact, now the worst day of my life.