Five People You Might Meet in Heaven and What has Really Ticked Them Off Today

WHAT HAS REALLY ANNOYED ME TODAY SO FAR:

1) My Dogs

As much as I love my little darlings, I begin to see the humour in the cruel joke my ex's parents played upon her when they nixed all pets including any aquarium-type creature, on the basis that they were not only sensitive to mammals, but were also "allergic to fish".

Case in point:

Awoken at 6:25 am with Catherine in a fit screaming for my assistance as Findley, one of our dogs, apparently had "something really gross!!!" in his mouth and was refusing to drop whatever it was.

Note special points for fact that said dog was chomping on gross 'thing' nestled between our heads in our bed when Catherine realized something was 'wrong'.

I had to jump up, 3/4's asleep and stumble to the hall, hoping that Catherine had took to a hysterical fit [instead of bed] (no doubt eventually requiring a "rest cure" in sanitorium) and had mistaken ripped bits of sofa foam in the dog's mouth for something truly awful.

I calmly walked to the dog and peered into his maw sans much needed spectacles: I see only a quite long tail and two very tiny, little, but unmistakeable back mouse feet sticking out of said mouth.

Dog continues to chomp on said 'dead'; masticating it into a uniform spongey consistency. He also refuses to give up the goods, despite my blearly eyed bribes of some piece of 'gross' steak bone I happen to fish out of the freezer.

Finally wresting 'mush mouse' from said dog's mouth, it is left up to me to walk downstairs, still asleep and still half naked, and to fling the damn corpse, swaddled in a Sobey's plastic bag, out the front door to beside the garbage bin.

So far it was only 6:37 am and I need a rest cure in a sanitorium...

ii) What Stephen Harper Looks Like

Forget critiquing his stupid, fascistic politics; go straight for the throat and use the Grade 6 girl approach: Make Fun of his Appearance.

a) Harper Hair

What is it with this guy? He is the only man I have ever seen who can take a full, natural head of hair and yet style it in such a way as to create the impression that he is wearing a really bad toupee or has undergone a less than stellar plug job at the "Hair Club for Men".

Note hair also appears to be made out of false, strange "synthetic" material; colour: nylon salt and pepper;

In fact he might even be said to have the hair style of a plastic "action figure" of sorts.

Recently though, he has also altered his hair by clipping it shorter and shorter moving incrementally to an odd brush cut look. This leads me to conclude he is attempting to emulate the hair of Nixon's 'son of a bitch', H.R. Halderman.

b) Harper Suits and Glasses

Now the man clearly has money; thus he must purchase expensive blue suits, all of which are the exact colour of my 1970s Girl Guide uniform, but nonetheless however somehow come out, looking really, really cheap.

To make matters worse, he has taken to wearing glasses in either some strange attempt to a) make him look more "Prime Ministerial" or b) intellectual; kinda like when Homer J. Simpson puts on his "thinking glasses"

c) Strange Eyes and Face

Don't you just hate those weird, beady little eyes that kind of gleam back at you? I am taken to thinking of the first Star Trek episode aired on NBC, in which Kirk's friend gets zapped by a force field at the edge of the universe; develops weird reflective glowey eyes and becomes a power hungry pathological monster: Just like Stephen Harper; but unfortunately the wonderful actess Sally Kellerman, unlike in Star Trek, is nowhere to be found by Harper's side!

Altogether I can only conclude that when Harper finishes his day, he retires to his office and unzips his "human skin suit" revealing, underneath, a large alien cockroach creature that only Dr. Who can vanquish.

d) Minister of Justice

And to make matters worse, what's with his cabinet? Peter McKay suffers from a similar beady eye problem and Vic Toews (personal motto: "Damn Straight! The government most certainly does have a place in the bedrooms of the nation!") whose sole purpose it seems is to return us to the 1950s, looks uncanningly like the Daily Bugle's editor, Jonah Jamieson.

I suspect Vic's next bill will involve legislating someone or something to get "that masked menace off our streets!"