Walden World

The wacky and wonderful tales of Beth's and Catherine's global adventures. And all things Walden too.

Wednesday, December 01, 2010

The 10 Worst Songs Ever...Egads a List!!

I couldn't sleep last night due to multiple stresses and instead of my usual practice of sleep inducement: listing the names of all the popes, famous World War II battles or recounting the techniques of Roman Infrantry, I decided to make my own list of the worst songs ever.

Many such lists have been made but none of them, I think, take into account my wealth of generational experience. Let's face it, anything ever recorded by Nickelback is, by its very essence, horrible. Countless gangsta hip hop sex songs also can just be filed under "general drek". It is getting to the very unique and awful, often from someone who has some talent, that makes a bad song a classic.

In no order, here are 10 truly awful songs:

1) We Built This City by Jefferson Starship

This one tops numerous lists because it is so, so extraordinarily bad. But I think the worst thing about it is that Grace Slick et al (and whoever else was left from Jefferson Airplane) created the prototype of the 1970s "TV power jingle" combined with an ad for a pick up truck. Truly horrible and like all really bad songs, you can't get it out of your head.

2) Tick Tock by Kei$ha

Any woman who has a dollar sign as a substitution for actual letters should worry you. But add to that, the whiney, suckey tone of her voice accompanied by such lyrics as "brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack" and one can just imagine the erotic magic of picking up some snotty teen who pukes in your shower while lighting the filter end of the cigarette by mistake.

3) The Look of Love by ABC

A true ear worm. And it features this mysteriouly idiotic exchange between chorus and singer: "What's the look?" "I don't know the answer to this question, but if I did I would tell you"

These lyrics are so awful that this qualifies the song alone. Add in the orchestral crescendo and "Yippe, yippee aye ayyyyy" accompanied with blazing synth violins and triangles and you know your will never get this horror out of your head. Or at least until you manage to name a suitable and sufficient number of popes and tank battles of World War II.

4) Seasons in the Sun by Terry Jacks

Awful music of course but then questions: Is this guy dying from a horrible disease? Is he going to commit suicide? Is he off to war in Vietman?

These lyrics spooked a generation of young children, such as myself, into contemplating mortality at far too young an age: "Goodbye Michelle it's hard to die...when all the birds are singing in the sky..."

5) You're Having my Baby by Paul Anka

I think this speaks for itself. "It's my baby and it ain't yours. By the way, I must beat you for questioning this multiple wives thing I thought I'd introduce into our small village."

6) Ghostbusters by some famous 1980s guy

With the exception of two songs: "So this is Christmas" and begrudgingly and only because of the rot brit accents "The Wall", children should not be allowed to sing in pop music choruses. The 'Scooby Doo' lyrics don't help either: "I ain't afraid of no ghosts" spoken like Buckwheat in "Little Rascals"....brrrrr

7) I Like Your Pants Around Your Knees by Nickelback

I know they belong in their own category of utter crap and I don't know if this is even the title of the song, but the visual this chorus brings to mind: of a skinny, hideously tall Chad Kroeger 'gettin' all rough sex like' is surely enough to make all women and all men gay.

Perhaps they should play it in Iran. Obama and Israel: here's your weapon...

8) Don't Let the Dogs Out by whoever

The whole song are men shouting "Don't let the dogs out" followed by barking.

This is not a song. It is an alcoholic next door neighbour with an illegal Rottie. I think I shall phone the City and make a complaint.

9) Black Holes and Revelations by Muse

Eeek! Someone has combined the worst excesses in the 1970s heyday of "Styx" and "Rush" and genetically modified it to morph with the DNA of "The Transiberian Orchestra" giving us, yes: Muse.

To quote Doctor Frankenstein: "It's alive, ALIVE!!!"

10) Midnight by the Oasis by Sheena Easton

Some will be happy that she is a faded memory however I still have this sad feeling she will turn up in Vegas at New Years' dances for baby boomers in 20 years. They will smoothly groove to this 70s classic like all the couples I used to watch on TV dancing the night away on Lawrence Welk.

To quote a haunting medievel Catholic inscription found in ancient churchs by a skull: "I was as you once were. As I am, so you will be."

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